


A Simple Man and a Scumbag

by misura



Category: Tropic Thunder (2008)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-20
Updated: 2015-06-20
Packaged: 2018-04-05 07:46:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4171689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misura/pseuds/misura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And the guy who loved both of them. Well, one of them. But very, very much.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Simple Man and a Scumbag

**Author's Note:**

  * For [youjik33](https://archiveofourown.org/users/youjik33/gifts).



> written by way of a treat, because I saw _Scorcher_ in eighth grade and always dreamt about writing fic for it. preferably slash fic, because that's just how I roll.
> 
> disclaimer: no actual movies were harmed in the writing of this fic.

_'When the Earth's rotation came to a halt, one man made a difference._

_When it happened again, he made a difference again. And again. And again. And three more times._

_Now the one man who made a difference six times already is gone. Frankly, we got a little tired of him. It was time for something new. Something fresh. Something you've never seen before._

_And so this time, when the Earth's rotation comes to a halt, everyone will be acting as if it's never happened before. And it hasn't. Because we say so._

_And it won't be just one man who's going to make a difference. There's going to be four of them._

__**Scorcher's Four**. _In cinemas this Fall.'_

 

"You're living with Kirk Lazarus? For real?" Rick checked the clock. If he took the G5, he'd be at Tugg's home in about four hours.

"We have a deep, spritual connection," Tugg said. "I think he might be - well, you're going to think this is silly."

"Hey," Rick said. It was still early in the evening where Tugg lived; no obstacles there. "It's me, Tuggboat. I've known you for fifteen years. Total BFF, man."

"I think he might be my _friend_. I mean, really my friend."

"Whoa," said Rick, because that was serious stuff. "Your friend? That's some serious stuff, Tugg-a-lug."

"Yeah."

Rick waited for something more - with Tugg, there usually was. Besides, he'd learned his lesson with the whole dead-hooker-no-wait-it-was-a-panda thing.

In the Hollywood world of fast cars and slick talkers, Tugg was that rarest of the rare.

A man who occasionally shut up.

"Tuggster?" Rick prodded. "Something you wanted to add? Spit it out, buddy. Lay it on me."

"I've seen his thingy," Tugg said. "After he took a shower. And it kind of made me want to ... you know."

"Fuck." This was bad. No, scratch that, this was beyond bad.

"That's not a very nice word for it," Tugg said.

"I'll be there in fifteen," Rick said. "The Pecker Patrol is on the way, Tugg-Tugg. Just stay right where you are, all right? Don't move an inch."

He'd been meaning to take the car out again some time, anyway. Honestly.

Anyway, sometimes a man had to do what a man had to do.

 

Kirk, not Tugg, answered the door when Rick rang the doorbell - it still played the cheery tune from the soundtrack of _Scorcher I_ , which helped Rick calm down a bit. For all of five seconds.

"Oh," Kirk said. "It's you."

"You hurt him, I will bury you," Rick said. With actors, it was always good to be clear about where you stood and where you felt that _they_ stood.

And where Kirk Lazarus stood right now, as far as Rick was concerned, was one level under the lowest of the lowest scum of the Earth.

Plus, his current agent was a total snob who'd cut Rick off at LAX two years ago.

"Right back at you, mate. Incidentally, who are we talking about?" Kirk was wearing a bathrobe. The logo looked vaguely familiar.

Rick figured that stealing a bathrobe from some hotel probably wasn't even going to get Kirk a mention in the tabloids at this point. Still, knowledge was power.

"You know damn well who we're talking about. Where is he?"

"Actually," Kirk said, " _I_ don't know, so even if _you_ do, that means that _we_ , as a unit, do not, in fact, know. It's simple maths. I thought you people were supposed to be good at maths."

Rick glared. He'd never faced down God, but then, he'd also never stared longingly at Tobey Maguire's luscious lips, so he figured he and Kirk were about even.

"I'm going to hazard a guess here and assume you're here to see Tugg," said Kirk. "He's hiding out in the bathroom. Don't blame me - he only went in there after talking to _you_."

 

Tugg was clearly in a bad state. His eyes were bloodshot, the way they only got when he'd stayed up the night before watching the original Star Trek series on his tablet again.

Rick loved the guy, really, he did, but sometimes, he felt like he wouldn't ever _understand_ him. Like Tugg was this one ineffable mystery every person needed in his or her life to give it meaning.

(Rick's wife had been like that, too, until they'd divorced and it turned out she wasn't that ineffable after all - a happy discovery which had enabled Rick to keep the alimony to a minimum.)

"Hey, buddy. What's up?" Rick crouched down, the better to make eye-contact.

For now, he knew it was better to just talk. Soothe. The hugging and crying would come later.

"Um. That way?" Tugg tentatively raised a hand, pointing at the ceiling.

"That's right, Tuggernaut," Rick said, making sure to sound warm. Approving.

"Oh, for fuck's sake," Kirk said. "He's an idiot, not a moron. Subtle difference, sure, but it's there."

"I moved," Tugg told Rick. "I know you told me not to. I'm sorry."

Kirk stepped inside, definitely invading Rick's personal bubble. Rick would have objected, except then Kirk actually grabbed him and shoved him against a wall, which was _not cool_.

"Hey!" Rick said. Tugg got up, looking alarmed, which was bad.

"Just what kind of a sadistic, abusive _asshole_ are you, huh?" Kirk growled. "What, you get your jollies taking advantage of actors? Well, let me tell you, mate, not on my watch. You think I won't hit you? You think I won't crash my brand-new Ferrari Colorosa just to put you in the hospital? Big mistake."

"You got that new Ferrari?" Tugg asked. "Sweet! Can I borrow it some time?"

"I can get one for you," Rick said - or tried to say, anyway. Kirk started shaking him after 'I can'.

"Your birthday's in two months, right?" Kirk told Tugg. "Tell you what, I haven't crashed it by then, I'll put a bow on it. How's that? You'd better act all surprised, though."

"Why'd you put a - "

"He's my friend!" Rick struggled. He wasn't suffocating yet, but he'd seen enough YouTube clips of Kirk Lazarus on a drunken rampage to know he'd better not let it come to that. "My friend!"

Surprisingly, Kirk actually released him, stepping back.

"Oh," Tugg said. "You'd really do that? For _me_? Nobody's ever given me a car for my birthday before - well, nobody except Rick, of course."

Kirk arched an eyebrow at Rick, who glowered at him. "He did, did he?"

"You're going to crash that car in under a week and we both know it," Rick said.

"I think we should all sit down with drinks," Tugg said.

 

"This one's got avocado in it. I think. Or maybe it was pineapple."

Rick heroically swallowed. He had the distinct impression Kirk was laughing at him, but quietly. Sneakily. "Been working on your health again, huh?"

"Big movie coming up," Tugg said, and in that one moment, Rick could have happily kissed him. Possibly even with tongue. "Gotta get in shape."

Other agents - well, they were always bitching about their prima donna actors. Not Rick, though.

Tugg was a star, but he'd never been a prima donna. Tugg was a sweet guy. The best.

"Now there's the face of a man in love," Kirk said. He was sipping something with strawberries and rhubarb, which made him a total pussy, as far as Rick was concerned. Not that that surprised him.

"We're just friends," Tugg said. Turning his head.

Rick gulped down some more smoothie. He was pretty sure Kirk'd been looking at _him_ , not Tugg - which just went to show the man wasn't as smart as he thought he was. Tugg had the looks, after all; he was a movie star, for God's sake. Rick only had the smarts. The business sense.

"Oh, I see." Kirk sighed. "Well. Didn't come in here meaning to get in the middle of something."

Tugg turned his head back again, to look at Rick. " _I_ wouldn't mind getting in the middle. If that's cool with Rick."

"What?" said Rick.

"The fuck?" said Kirk.

Tugg frowned. "I really think it sounds much nicer when you call it 'making love'. I mean, that's what it's all about, isn't it? Love."

 

"First time I've gotten screwed by an agent and it wasn't a figure of speech."

"It was good for me, too, thanks. Ugh. Did you have to give me a hickey _there_?"

"Yes. So, hey, listen up, mate. We cool?"

"We cool," Rick said. "So hey, Kirkster, you ever thought about switching agencies? Got some nice projects lined up I figure might be right up your alley."

"Fuck off. Seriously."

 

_'In a time when to be different meant to be a hero -_

_and to be a hero meant to save the world -_

_one man chose to be a bad, bad boy._

_Starring five time Oscar nominee Kirk Lazarus._

_One time Oscar winner Tugg Speedman._

_Totally out of the closet Alpa Chino._

_And that one guy whose name you've never heard of, even though he's been in a dozen movies by now - we think maybe his name is Spock or James or Keanu or something_

__**Scorcher's Four**. _In cinemas this Fall._

**Author's Note:**

> for the record: his name is Kevin. I think.
> 
> also, everything I wrote in my opening notes was a lie, except for the 'this is a treat' part.


End file.
